CW: gender dysphoria, genitalia, body functions, sex talk, self-harm
Over a year ago I wrote a post about how I was learning about gender and being Autistic. I stated (pretty confidently) that I was bigender AFAB and totally into men. After the same kind of reflection I had to give my past after being diagnosed Autistic, I redigested my history through the lens of being gender divergent. I had to face some hard stuff about major mental health episodes that were not fully explained by autism, but several wonderful Trans friends have been so helpful. Thank you Zee, Maxfield, Alaina, Jordan, Eli, and Katie. You’ve taught me so much and been so supportive and patient. Trans people understand me in ways cis people have never been able to do.
I also said in my previous post that I do not experience dysphoria, that “my gender diversity is entirely social and expressive in nature.” This turns out to not be true. From what I have observed in others, not every Trans person pops out of the womb knowing their discomfort and mental health problems stem directly from gender dysphoria. To complicate matters, a person can also be Neurodivergent, mentally ill, and/or experience childhood trauma. It can be impossible to unbraid which dysfunction is caused by what. You can mask multiple identities that are socially unacceptable in order to earn love, avoid abuse, and fit in enough to survive. These threads of suppressed selfhood become indistinguishable from one another.
I did a lot of research in articles and on Trans media and discovered that people who figure out they are gender divergent as adults can have covert “symptoms” of dysphoria or signs that are misinterpreted, excused, or denied through mental gymnastics and lack of cultural imagination. For instance, as a child I was completely unaware that people could feel different about being a girl or a boy.
I would like to list my own covert and overt signs of AFAB gender dysphoria from my youngest years to now. [Note: A lot of the more covert symptoms are also associated with Autism, trauma, or mental illness, but in conjunction with the more overt signs, this suggests a mixture of autism and gender divergent traits which is not uncommon]:
- Being upset about having to sit to pee. Asking my mother why I couldn’t have a penis (this is a distinct early memory) and not getting a satisfactory answer. Trying to pee standing up and making a mess. Dreaming about standing to pee.
- Being dressed in more feminine clothing than I ever wanted to wear and resenting it. Wanting to wear boys’ underwear and clothes instead of girls’ from a very early age. (This was immediately discouraged and I started playing dress-up like a girl)
- Not ever understanding how to interact with other little girls and them clocking me as different right away. A lot of that is, of course, due to autism as well which is one reason this has been so difficult to figure out. I’ll never know exactly what made them reject me, but gender non-conformity was definitely a factor.
- Having profound childhood depression and feeling like I’m not actually “real.”
- Having “male” special interests.
- My anxiety, depression, and dysfunction increasing very dramatically with the onset of puberty. I can’t even describe how severe it was or how it felt. This is a common symptom of gender dysphoria. When I got my first period I immediately threw up. I am not particularly squeamish, but I had a great deal of trouble with this body function. Again, Autistic sensitivities can make body functions uncomfortable, but my Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) was always very acute and accompanied by unbearable anxiety and pain without having any actual gynecological condition like endometriosis or cysts. It also didn’t stop once my period started, but only got worse during.
- Relief of general depression and anxiety when I was put on hormones that stopped my periods. Trans people are often intolerant of the sex characteristics they have and find relief with hormonal changes or when certain body processes are halted or begun.
- Feeling like an imposter when wearing feminine clothing and feeling like I was wearing a costume. Feeling like a spy or interloper when hanging out with girls (when they would let me).
- Having a much easier time socializing with boys and trying to prove how “tough” I am to them.
- Having “deserted island” fantasies where I daydream about how I could present or dress without any observers to criticize/threaten me.
- Recurring dreams where I have male genitals and feeling grief upon waking.
- Dismissing my anger at being female by thinking it’s “only internalized misogyny.”
- Episodes of self-harm associated with meltdowns, but because I felt “angry at my body.”
- Being embarrassed about having large breasts to the point that I wear baggy clothing, tight bras, and slump to hide them which affects my posture.
- Feeling distress when I see any pictures of myself and being unable to look directly at the camera (also an Autistic thing, I know). However, my photos always seemed very grotesque to my eye and I never think I look like me.
- Having a bad reaction to hearing my voice played back to me because it sounds high and girly in recordings compared to when I speak. This is “voice dysphoria” and all Trans people deal with it to some degree.
- Showering in the dark.
- Watching Queer and Trans porn exclusively. (It’s incredibly sad that often the only way to learn about FTM changes or Trans sexuality is by watching porn. There is also not enough positive or educational porn/sex ed featuring gender divergent people, although this is starting to change)
- Preferring to be intimate with bisexual men, closeted Trans women, and kinksters who would engage in role reversal in sex play.
- Buying men’s toiletries, clothing, and cologne but dismissing it “because it’s cheaper.”
- Not feeling comfortable with female roles or occupations. I was much more comfortable working with men in restaurant kitchens (despite the sexual harassment) than doing front-of-the-house work which was mostly women servers/hostesses.
- Not wanting to have children because I can’t imagine my body doing that. (There are lots of other reasons too)
- People assuming I’m a lesbian and being very confused about me.
There’s a lot of other things, many of which are difficult to divorce from my neurodivergent traits and probably shouldn’t be separated out. For instance, I am actually pansexual and I am attracted to women, but due to general social difficulties I never learned how to “flirt in gay” – or flirt like a normal human at all. The only examples I could study were of cis-normative romance. I didn’t know one can have different types of sexual feelings for different genders.
I also want to point out that a person can go a very long time without connecting these things about themselves to Trans identity, especially if they are required to mask heavily in order to have any kind of life. I didn’t even associate the blatant traits listed above with “I am not gender normal.” I was put on lots of psychiatric drugs that muddled my thinking and due to multiple serious problems, including other types of dysphoria, abused alcohol for a long time. This can be a major barrier to understanding oneself, but isn’t uncommon in closeted people.
To further complicate matters, I am not a binary Trans man – I exist on a non-binary gender spectrum but “center of masculine” as Hannah Gadsby has noted. I love flower patterns, fabric crafts, toe-nail polish, playing with make-up, grumping about men with cis women, and occasionally “dressing up” as femme. I feel much better shaving my legs even though I’d also like to grow my beard. My preference for men/AMABs was also confusing for me. I was familiar with butch lesbians, but I do not identify as such at all and don’t fit into that culture either.
I honestly feel like I am a non-binary bi/pan guy who values their feminine qualities and experience and I will never not be a feminist.
I have gone through many “masc phases” when I couldn’t take the dysphoria anymore and long periods of time when I was trying so hard to be properly feminine that being clocked as queer or masculine caused me distress because I wasn’t performing well enough. I have experienced discrimination and violence due to being visibly gender non-conforming and this has also set me back. Being in my 40s, when I was growing up, the vocabulary and information about gender diversity was not there when I needed it although I always acknowledged that neither boy nor girl was a good fit.
I wish there was a clear path to resources and support for every gender-questioning person no matter where they live, but that is a long way off. Luckily, things are changing for gender divergent people and there is information and community online, but actual support services are mostly missing or discriminatory, especially if you are diagnosed Neurodivergent or a member of other minorities.