The difficulties of befriending autistic men.
Since discovering that I have been on the spectrum without knowing it my entire life, I have redigested my past like fetid, fermented cow’s cud. The most disturbing part of this process was realizing that so many of the people who were naturally drawn to me and vice versa were also unidentified neurodiverse individuals. Birds of a feather and all.
I know now that the majority of the men I have been involved with for any length of time are likely Aspies. All those relationships were a confusing disaster. When not one but both people in a relationship have communication disorders, intimacy issues, mental illnesses, and are unaware of it, it’s not going to work out and you won’t know why.
I’ve dated a particle physicist (long before Sheldon was created), a renowned author of books on philosophy, a brilliant glass artisan, and a professional classical guitarist. Very talented dudes. But they were all super-annoying after a short while, as am I when trying to navigate dating in the darkness of self-ignorance. These romances were quick to fizzle.
However, the consequences of spending time with and befriending men on the spectrum who you are not romantically or sexually interested in are dire as well.
Why? Several reasons:
- Crushes and the subsequent rejection feel far more powerful to us than they do to neurotypicals. All emotions feel much more powerful, and unrequited interest is one of the most hurtful and embarrassing experiences for anyone. Spectrum people have been rejected over and over in their lives and have very fragile self-images. A broken heart can derail us for a long time and lead to terrifying meltdowns and suicidal ideation. There’s a lot of talk about the obsessive, proscribed interests of Aspies, but crushes are also in that category. We can be utterly consumed by an interest in a subject, object(s), or person.
- Kindness and social chit-chat are often misinterpreted as romantic interest. I have only three modes for talking to people no matter who they are: Golden Retriever, visiting lecturer, and cold fish. Like most Aspies I have difficulty with both interpreting and expressing finely tuned emotions. When I am very attracted (mentally and physically) to someone, my brain, without any input from me, will choose to interpret his words and expressions as him returning that interest. Then my imagination goes to work and I can’t focus, even though I really want to, on anything else until I know for certain how he feels about me. I build a future with this person in my mind and fall in love with my anticipation. This has led to some mutually humiliating incidents for which I am not proud. I know how devastating this feels and I don’t want to inflict this on anyone else.
Here you are being ignored and rejected for so long and then you meet a pretty girl who is more like yourself than anyone you’ve ever met. It’s easy to feel like a relationship with her is owed to you after all the pain you’ve had to endure.
3. Aspies have difficulty reading subtle, polite expressions of disinterest from the people we get crushes on. When the shoe is on the other foot and I am the one who is not interested in someone on the spectrum, I have no idea how to discourage him without humiliating him and dealing with the consequences of that. I had a wonderful friend for a long time who is on the spectrum (and unaware of it). I tried every subtle conversational way I could without being “mean” or very explicit to tell him that I was not interested and never would be. He just couldn’t figure it out. Every time I tried to set a boundary (“No, you can’t stay over,” “Stop using my yeast infection cream on your psoriasis.”), he had a petulant meltdown. We are estranged now. If there is any way to let an Aspie down without hurting and humiliating him with the degree of clarity that is necessary for him to get the message, I am all ears.
4. Entertainment media has given Asper-dudes (and men in general) unrealistic expectations. If you’ve looked into feminism at all, you’ve heard that media doesn’t portray women’s wants, wishes, or preferences all that realistically. The hero always gets the girl as a reward for his effort and hardship regardless of what her opinion might be, no matter what they look like, how much money they make, or how troublesome they are. And everyone is the hero of their own story. In most sitcoms, video games, movies, and books the male underdog miraculously gets the femme fatale.
This is not real life. Part of it is a double standard in how we expect to choose one another. It’s not considered out of the question for an unattractive, awkward man to bag a very attractive woman on TV shows or in movies, but not the other way around. Men expect that they will attract a woman that they find visually appealing even if she’s a ten and he’s a four (even with money). They feel they are entitled to a princess whether they’re a prince or not.
Women are not the gatekeepers of sexual justice. Even if we have a lot in common with a guy and even if we are also on the spectrum, that does not obligate us to become romantically involved if we don’t want to be. However, I understand how guys feel. Here you are being ignored and rejected for so long and then you meet a pretty girl who is more like yourself than anyone you’ve ever met. It’s easy to feel like a relationship with her is owed to you after all the pain you’ve had to endure. It’s finally your turn for love and sexual intimacy.
I’ve known men so downtrodden for being nerdy and so determined to convince me that they deserve me, that I’ve handed out some sad pity-fucks in my time. I was pressured to be with men I wasn’t attracted to even after I made my wishes known. Since they were so like-minded I was afraid if I didn’t, I would lose my friend forever and friends are hard for me to find and keep. Especially ones who understand me.
I’ve already taken a few for the team and never plan to do so again.
5. Aspie women don’t necessarily have the ability or desire to look after another autistic person. When I was dating my last boyfriend, who was by far the one most on the spectrum of any other, my sister said something about us that stuck with me:
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Harsh, sis. I’m not suggesting that relationships between two autistic people are doomed or impossible. A great deal of study needs to be done on how some if us successfully navigate relationships and differentiate from neurotypical couples and families. Many of us would rather be with someone else on the spectrum.
I need someone to pick up my mess and help me. Most spectrum men I have known have the same deficits as I do, so our skill sets are not complementary.
However, I am not high-functioning. I am smart, extremely verbal, and very good at masking my autism for short periods of time. This leads people to assume that I am doing alright and don’t need much day-to-day support and that I can take on the hectic responsibilities of a nearly neurotypical woman. But I’ve experienced a lot of trauma in my life, physically and mentally, and I’ve developed a co-morbid mental illness from the destructive effects of not knowing what I was or how to keep myself healthy and safe.
My place is a wreck. I can never sleep or keep to a regular routine. My executive function is so low that I often get appointments and work schedules and due dates mixed up. And birthdays and names and faces. I forget to shower and eat when I need to, even when I really go out of my way to try. I have very little patience for other people, especially if they are co-habitating with me. I am set in my annoying ways and don’t like other people in my personal space. I still struggle to get though my day and I don’t even have a job. I have been sexually and socially traumatized, and my brain is wired to deeply mistrust men. I have scary meltdowns like any other autistic person.
I’m medium-functioning I guess, but my life would improve immensely with a personal assistant and a cleaning lady once a week. And a career and respect and understanding.
These are the reasons why I can’t take over the executive function, chauffeuring, and house-cleaning duties that the wives of Aspie men are often expected to perform. Even if you are also an Aspie woman, those tasks will more often than not end up being yours. I need someone to pick up my mess and help me. Most spectrum men I’ve known have the same deficits as I do, so our skill sets are not complementary. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to be his new mom. That’s reality.
I don’t want to disappoint and embarrass well-meaning, sweet guys on the spectrum, so I unfortunately have to keep the single ones at a remove, socially and often physically.
I hope the other lonely hearts will understand.