Even though Trump trundles though the Uncanny Valley like a bloviating circus peanut, Ted Cruz takes the prize for overall queasiness. It wasn’t until this election that I realized how attractive most presidents actually are. I’m not saying they’re Tigerbeat material, but they are tall, rather masculine, and photograph well. Even Lincoln’s notably fugly face was ameliorated by his extreme height and a distracting Mobius beard.
The fella in the article linked at the top takes an anthropological approach to the problem of Ted’s oozing expression. He posits that we, as a species, have long been dependent on facial cues for evaluating the safety and sincerity of strangers we meet. (A side effect of this tendency is xenophobia.) After doing it for ages and losing our facial hair and having 54 choreographed facial muscles, we’ve become supernaturally good at reading expressions. It helps us form possibly life-saving gut reactions to people who threaten us when they let a bit of the evil pop through.
Ted Cruz is a special kind of ugly. There’s no “beauty and the beast” dichotomy here; every facet of this man is equally odious. Firstly, his particular brand of pseudo-faith requires that the leader of America be ordained by God and basically goes on to describe a theocracy. With Ted Cruz being the *eerk* ruler of God’s earthly realm. The fact that He thinks He’s the person God would choose to lead anything other than a pedophile ring disguised as a traveling tent revival is insulting and clearly preposterous. But somehow he and his supporters genuinely feel Ted is part of America’s destiny. I wonder how they’ll rationalize the loss.
In Ted’s case, the above should read, “Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted when people just really don’t want to look at my shiny gourd-face for four years.” Earlier this year, just before my state’s primary, I began to get Ted Cruz campaign commercials in between my Hulu programs. I was shocked at how, and this is a word I don’t use lightly, violated I felt. It was an unavoidable knee-jerk reaction. I was angry that he could get to me without my permission.
Ted Cruz Closeups Below !!!
Between pitcher ears filled with nonsense, Ted’s eyes and mouth always turn down at the corners giving him that exaggerated expression of beseechment that Southerners are so familiar with in shady itinerant preachers. He looks like he prayed for pals too hard as a child and his face stuck that way. Even his “smile” only ever gets to horizontal.
Then there’s that nose straight from a 19th century political cartoon. It’s a melted tallow dong in the middle of his face, juuuuust about to fall in his booger-besmerched upside-down kidney bean lie amplifier.
And what’s with the slime? Ted must be a champion sweat hog. Indeed, he is the embodiment of the word moist. So everything from his actual features to his various secretions is off-putting. Samantha Bee has pointed out that he even sounds annoying, like a “squealy French mime.”
Ted Cruz is a puny parcel of shuddering grossness. His face is one thing, but his patriarchal ambitions disguised as divine mandate give my very soul the willies. You know things are bad when someone who makes you want to dry heave is the best alternative to American Neo-fascism (if you’re still a Republican).